Yesterday, I should have been welcoming my baby into the world. Instead, of dealing with the physical pain of childbirth, I was dealing with something much more excruciating. The emotional pain of losing a baby. I think that this is one of those things that one can never get used to. No matter how many miscarriages one has, I just can’t imagine that it would get any easier. This is my second due date that has passed without a baby, and I have a third coming up in August.
No one else realized that it was my due date, so I was totally alone in my pain. So many times, I wanted to remind my husband what day it was, but I didn’t want him to feel the way that I was feeling. Last night, shortly before bed, my husband caught me crying. He just looked at me, and his jaw dropped, and he said “today is the day, isn’t it?” I just nodded and he hugged me and told me he loved me and he cried as well. He said that he hadn’t realized the exact date, but that he had been thinking of our baby too since he had known we were due sometime in late February.
It felt good to cry with him, but it was then that I realized that maybe the reason that I didn’t want to bring it to his attention was that I didn’t want to have to console someone else. I wanted to be able to just be sad. To not have to take care of someone else in pain, but to just be sad for a little while. I constantly feel the need to make people feel better if they are upset, so by reminding him about the day, I would have been putting myself in a position where I would have felt the need to comfort him, and I really didn’t want that to be my role.
I was 10 weeks pregnant and I had already seen my baby’s tiny little heart beating, so I had been absolutely shocked when the heart stopped beating and I then needed to get a D&C. I try to just focus on all of the good in my life. I was happy before I got pregnant with this baby, and I was and am happy again, although I miscarried, but it can be difficult, or impossible, to remain positive all of the time, although I always try. Yesterday, for just a little while, I let myself mourn. And, that was just what I needed.
Warm in Vermont 